During my senior year of high school I was your average eighteen year old kid. I drank too much booze and passed out, took all the hallucinogens that I could get my paws on, and smoked the pot like it was going out of style. However while my peers were experimenting with methamphetamines and other narcotics I said, "No thanks guys."

And took another hit from my bong, inevitably taking seven more hits from the bong and spilling bong water all over the place. What can I say, I get excessive with the hand gestures when I'm speaking.

During this time in my life I was In such a rebellious state that I even went so far as to defaced school property and tore out the above picture from one of my textbooks. I was a firm believer that narcotics were wrong, this belief instilled by good parenting and the harsh lessons of life, and as my life lesson ensued I learned time and time again that, in truth, crack is wack. People that I had once called friends turned to lives of theft and attempted suicides. Some clawed their way back to the land of the living and the others fell deeper into zombic states of existence.

In my youth I thought that it would be simple to keep the no good drug addicts out of my life but as I become older, thus wiser, I learn that it is impossible to do so. Im-freaking-possible. Simply, because there are too many of them.

Example: I walk outside on Monday morning to shake out the bathroom rug while doing my day off cleaning. I take two steps onto the deck, the cool wood under my bare feet, give the rug a shake, turn around, and turn the doorknob firmly.....but wait, it doesn't give. It doesn't FREAKING GIVE. I'm locked out! In my pajamas! And no shoes! So I walk around the house surveying my options, all windows seemed to be locked and/or painted shut, so I had nothin'. I came to the conclusion that I had to call a locksmith....but how? My phone was locked inside? I returned to the deck, my feet now covered in dirt, and I wait for about 20 minutes for someone to walk by. Now its just my luck that on Mondays at around 10 am there are very few people walking around my neighborhood, everyone is at work....except for crackheads. I see two gentleman walking down the sidewalk in my direction and I hesitate, for they are too far away for me to determine if, in fact, they are crackheads. I take the risk and call out to catch their attention. That is when I notice their staggering gate, however there was no turning back, so I inquire if they possibly had a cell phone that I could use to call a lock smith. One of the guys pulls his phone from his pocket so I descend from my porch, to the curbside and waited while he tried to get his phone to turn on. After what seemed like five minutes of watching him fiddle with the phone while his friend flipped a crack rock around his mouth with his tongue, I thanked them for their time however I could wait for someone else who had a phone. But they insist they could be of service, for the gentleman with the phone use to break into houses for a living. Oh yea! What luck for me! I have found two heroic crackheads to break into my residence. Sweet! As much as I wanted to take advantage of this great opportunity I was hesitant. But was else was I to do? So I faced them with my arms crossed over my chest, eyes narrowed, biting the inside of my cheek and asked, "All right, how you gonna get in?"

Phone guy smiles, enters my yard, and eyes the windows. He then walks up to one gives the frame a shake and up it goes.

"Wow," I say, gazing up at the window in awe, "Just like that hu? Well thanks a lot."

As I was looking up I realized my head was tilted back pretty far. So far, in fact, that I knew they were going to have to lift me into the window. I shuddered. God, please, don't let this be so. I glanced over at them and their expressions gave away that they knew as well. So I closed my eyes and said, "Alright, lets do this, lift me up."

And they do. They both do. I scrambled in with all my might but there was no avoiding their crack hands on my legs and waist. Finally I got inside, went to my purse, and grabbed twenty bucks. I flung the door that had locked me out open as hard as I possibly could in retaliation. Facing phone guy and crack mouth with one hand on my hip, the other pointing at them with the twenty dollar bill between my fingers I said, "Look you did a nice thing for me so I'm gonna do a nice thing for you. But lets keep this legit and don't fuck with me alright."

They agreed as crack mouth snatched the money from my fingers. I went back inside overcome with half relief, half disgust and took a really, really long shower.